This morning, I felt a bit sad and admittedly annoyed because I felt I had no more freedom to do the things I love -- simple things like yoga, my NGO work and meeting up with friends because he says "I just prefer you to be at home".
Before I allowed myself to get more angry and more sad, I held my tongue and kept calm. And obeyed.
Why did I do this?
Because I didn't want to rock the boat nor make him angry.
That's what you do when you want to make things work.
I said a little prayer and read an article that made me see things from a different perspective. I may not wholeheartedly believe in it, but it did make me calmer and kinder. It's all about healing and why the person is the way he or she is due to what may or may have not happened to them in the past.
I cannot speak about his background nor upbringing, because I've only chanced the in-laws once in my life. But I can speak about my own experience.... and it was not easy living with a very stern father who didn't give me permission to do a lot of things I wanted to do back then. From singing to hanging out with my friends after school.
"Your studies are more important".
I am grateful for the restrictions for I would not be where I am today. But I admit. My father and I didn't see eye-to-eye for a very long time. And I vowed when I earned my own keep, that I would do the things I felt I should do so that I would be happy.
And I did do all that.
Years passed by and this horse was a happy horse. And then she met a bull and they became friends.
When I am asked to do what I am told, without a reason that is logical to my head, I naturally get agitated and flighty.
It used to kill me inside and made me so unhappy. But I had to make a decision and because I have committed myself to this for as long as God grants it ... I have to find ways to make it work. And softer for my head and heart to comprehend.
I guess I need healing too...as the fear and anger is felt again when I am stopped from doing things that make me smile. It brings me back to those days that I was so hateful and vengeful to my own my father.
I will just have to focus on whatever good is left and be grateful for that. My work. My children. My family. And a very loving husband.
May the light of goodness and kindness be shared upon us all.
Saw this Petronas ad and it made me reflect on the past, but to live what is today.
Happy Deepavali friends and family celebrating.