I wrote this because it helps me tolerate crap better.
Visualising an underlying reason helps understand difficult characters
Different Spin - The Star Metro 13th June, 2014
Visualising an underlying reason helps understand difficult characters
Different Spin - The Star Metro 13th June, 2014
I watched two movies back-to-back recently: “The
Angriest Man in Brooklyn”
and
“Maleficent”.
In “The Angriest Man in Brooklyn”, Robin
Williams plays the role of Henry Altmann –
an
unhappy man always angry at the world and everyone in it. When he is diagnosed
with brain aneurysm, he struggles to make amends with everyone he has hurt in
his life.
“Maleficent”
stars
Angelina Jolie as the eponymous Disney villainess character in the
re-imaginating of Walt Disney’s 1959 animated movie “Sleeping Beauty”. Jolie portrays
the story from the perspective of the antagonist, Maleficent.
In both movies, a line stands out clearly, “I wasn’t always
like this”.
It got me thinking about a few people in my life, who I felt, have been hurt
previously or have lost someone dear to them, hence their bitter, angry and
vengeful behavior to life and to those
surrounding them.
My mother has always reminded her children
against judging someone or something, "till you have walked in their
shoes."
Although I've always kept her advice close to
me, the underlying lesson from the two movies puts a fresh perspective to the
line, "don't judge a book by it's cover".
In my line of work, I have had my share of
dealing with all types and sorts of people. From the sweetest, kindest souls;
to the meanest, most horrible bullies - the latter naturally, being a pain to
work or deal with.
Having said that, I've noticed that dealing with
difficult people is less challenging if I visualize a backstory behind their
mean demeanor.
For example: A is a complete douchebag to women
and has no friends because his wife cheated on him with his bestfriend. Or B is
OCD because she was exposed to some horrible infection on her face when playing
at the sandbox as a young girl.
Whenever I get irritated with someone or
something, I always make up a scenario in my head on why it or they are like
that. This has sustained my tolerance level and has kept my blood pressure
down. Some of the things said by the likes of people Ibrahim Ali and Ridhuan
Tee, really get to me - so instead of getting all worked up unnecessarily, I
exercise my "backstory mind game" to try and understand where they
are coming from and why. As difficult as it is for me to swallow at times, it
keeps me less annoyed as I remind myself "nobody is perfect".
When I shared this "mind game" method
with friends, some scoff. Others tell me to just ignore (less psycho-babbling
that way) and a few have challenged me.
"Daph, how about the gang rape of the
15-year-old Malaysian student? Or the abduction and beheading of the
two-year-old near the Klang river? Does your mind-game method help?"
Having two young daughters, these type of news
has left me scared and bewildered. Shocked and angry.
Social scientists would have a whole list of
reasons on why rape, sexual assault and murder happens and I've naturally
applied these reasons to why these monsters are what they are.
But I must admit, the challenge has stumped me
and I question;
"have they always been like this?"
(movie spoiler alert)
Henry Altmann became a complete jerk after
losing his son and Maleficient sought revenge for Stefan because she was
heartbroken by his betrayal. I know that people aren't born to be unkind or
mean or to be criminals and haters. Somewhere, along the way, something sparked
or a series of events have made us the way we are.
I live by this mantra that when you forgive, you
heal. And when you let go, you grow.
It is probably hard to apply and accept my
"mind-game" method to every situation, but it does allow one time to
ponder and to realise that things normally happen due to a result of injustice,
oppression or societal failure.
The idealistic streak in me hopes for a happy
ending for all and that everyone will play a collective responsibility to
remove social and economic disparities.
The realistic side of me knows this will be a
feat that will take time and lots of effort from a large group of emphatic
people.
The positive me knows this is possible.
God-willing.
The writer does not want to remain stagnant in
life and has decided to move out from her comfort zone so noone can question
whether "she has always been like that". Follow her rants over
twitter, instagram and daphneiking.blogspot.com.
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