Friday, June 13, 2008

Bleep, Bleep, Bleeeeep!


Dear readers;

I have been asked to contribute articles for Malaysian Today and feel naturally flattered. My first article came out today (Malaysian Today June 12 - 18, 2008 No 253) under the Writer's Blog segment.

Since it is out, I can share with you lot, the first article. Grab a copy if you can. I would feel so honored... =)


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I have a disgustingly, profane mouth. It is not something my parents are too happy about…screw that… I’M not happy with my potty mouth! I blame my foul mouth nature due to the few years living in East London where cockney was favored to Queen’s English. “ What crap are you talking about girl? Your sister lived in the same vicinity and she doesn’t swear!” (Okay, my mother didn’t say ‘crap’.) But hell yea’, I’ve been a swearer for most of my adult life and it’s terrible, I know. The only ‘good’ it has brought to me was scaring off (or rather, swearing off) unwanted attention from dingbats, who think that the myth of ‘Convent girls’ being an easy lay is true. Stupid F-s!

Being the wife of a very conservative Chinese man with an equally conservative family as my in-laws has somewhat, toned down my profanity (although I did pick up some really easy-to- learn Chinese swear words that rolled oh-so-nicely vocally). And now that I am a mother to a 6-month-old daughter, I realize that my mother’s constant nagging about my “lack of articulate banter”, would prove to be “distasteful and not conducive to Isobel’s upbringing”. But Shiite, old habits are hard to break. But I am trying. I replace my (infamous) favorite swear words with these: kundek, chee-bey, fish finger and mukimark. It seems to be working, although I still do get the smack on the lap by my co-hosts while doing The Breakfast Show live on national TV if I accidentally ‘replace’ a letter of my ‘replaced’ swear word, to its original form. I’m a ‘bad trendsetter’ says my producer, as we watch our young interns giggling at my linguistic mishaps and heaven forbid, following my appalling behavior.

So I told Intan, “hey, I am not to be blamed completely…ma-chi-bung!” Because it appears that swearing has become the new punctuation. Just check out James Blunt’s original CD version lyrics to “You’re Beautiful”. Flying he says? My beautiful posterior he was flying high! That’s just the edited version. And have you heard ANY of the cartoon South Park’s songs?

So before this article puts my family and my name to shame, let us pause a moment for a restorative sip of Thursday latte and some important clarification because not ALL types of swearing are equal. For example, I do NOT swear at people. Ever*. That’s simply abusive and revolting. But I do swear about things, most notably, when I’m frustrated or have injured myself.

Unfortunately, this means I swear a lot – especially with the UEFA Euro 2008 fever, where I am sleepy and clumsily walking into things – Its an (unhealthy) vicious cycle of me watching my game of football at wee hours of the morning, and then heading straight to the studio – with less than 2 hours of sleep in between. Bloody hell. Spatters of F-words and/or P-words are uttered. When one is in pain after knocking into a stationary pole one to many times, ‘releasing the pain’ by saying “replaced swear words” of fish finger and mukimark just doesn’t do much justice to the physical pain (and ego).

And look, all right, to be honest, I don’t just swear during moments of pain and frustration. I also sprinkle the odd expletive through my everyday conversations. As a descriptive adjective. And, you know, for emphasis.

For example, “ Geez…you looks F-ing awesomela! What’s your secret B-?”

And again, it’s a (distressing) trend. Whoever had a chance of watching any of Gordon Ramsay’s shows (Hell’s Kitchen & Kitchen Nightmare) would find this frightfully true. I read somewhere that the Catholic Church was claiming Ramsay used the F-word more than 80 times during one episode and was demanding that the show be pulled off air. “80 times!??” Fish fingers! How absurd, cries my hypocrite self!

I heard one TV reviewer talking about Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares and when asked about the swearing, she replied, “You know, it’s really just like seasoning. You barely notice it after a few minutes before it is just part of the natural cadence of his speech.”

So, one day, I watched his show and I was strangely captivated. I learnt about food and restaurants and I saw what goes on in a commercial kitchen. I loved how he made-over restaurants and cleverly straightened up hopeless chefs and owners into shape. Minutes passed and I no longer heard the swearing. I was sold to the show, sold on Ramsay.

The conclusion to this is to justify my bloody, foul mouth being. Please do not blame my parents. They tried. Trust me. (My father was an ex cop – go figure!) Some say to-may-toe, some say to-mar-toe. I say pungguk kuali itu hitam. Figure of speech. MY figure of speech.

But, fine. With my mother’s constant nagging and those big, 6 months-old brown, eyes staring at me innocently, I shall make a supreme effort to censor myself. In front of her at least. Stink of a Skunk. Sigh…

* Except when I am driving and someone in another car does something idiotic but they can’t hear me, so this doesn’t count.

25 comments:

  1. Indeed, an interesting article! This reminded me of the word my friends and I replaced with....chee-BELI. Haha!!

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  2. an interesting article!.... it's remaind me a fews years back when i used to swear a lots... but thanks God's... after years of self reflection... i manage to handel it...so...All the best mama isobel..

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  3. I guess swearing at times do makes us feel energized. Especially when you are mad at one person (your boss maybe) but you cant swear in front of him. My mum is a nyonya and she told me she has been swearing for almost 30 years. Until we took on Christianity. If you have noticed, baba & nyonya's fouled mouth is considered a norm among their community. My mum told me that me sis, during her younger days usually says "Mikmok" which stands for pxximak. What ever it is, I stand behind Patrick Teoh with his NIAMAH !!! Happy fouling :p

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  4. ..maybe swearing 'appropriately' is acceptable lah.. he he

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  5. Popon..nice article, I like it and you know what...you're what you're. It's not even anyone fault like your parents fault...

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  6. nice article miss super hot!!! i like your pics n i am waiting for your entry regarding yor trip to Australia...

    hehehehe

    keep it up ya!

    *i only swear if i geram sangat!

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  7. swear make me happy n relief but i oni swear wen im mad.. slowly u can stop it.. trust me..
    Cant wait to c your new picss... upload asap k..hehe

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  8. hey there.my name is farahani and would really love to invite you to our event this sunday for gossip girl party.i tried to talk to your manager but cant call her.

    you can reach me at 0122785048

    pls call me yah.thanks.

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  9. hi Daphne! I've been ur constant reader for quite awhile..but im not here to polish some shoes or anything...hehehe..;)

    just wanted to agree with u TOTALLY on tis swearing thing. Sometimes u just cant help it but to just blurt out the words, rite? and yes I do replace the actual words wif others..just to tame the effect of it around other ppl..and no, we just dun blame our parents for being such a foul mouth! hahahaha...

    keep writing up new entries! I cant wait to be reading them. cheers! =)

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  10. u don't have to go eng----graannddd to swear...u can learn in the chef's kithcen...f*** th edog!!!..and whatsoever are the best slang...

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  11. Having a kid not necessarily make you stop swearing haha!!! Try staying saying sweet words when the kid pukes major time.

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  12. Hot mama, swearing is okay...I believe that most of the ppl today have the F*ck word in their speech... No one to blame...
    But for Isobel's sake, I'm glad & happy that you're willing to change for her... Power of a mama!

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  13. Interesting content, but you really need an editor! That was NOT readable at all.

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  14. Dear all, thank you for your comments -- constructive and all. I've toned down. Or at least I am trying.

    stay safe and be merry!

    ps: what should i write about for my next article? My deadline coming up!

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  15. Err.. The best way to answer when a lady ask "Do I look fat?"

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  16. this post is fudging funny! haha

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  17. "The only ‘good’ it has brought to me was scaring off (or rather, swearing off) unwanted attention from dingbats, who think that the myth of ‘Convent girls’ being an easy lay is true. Stupid F-s!"->
    STUPID F***!!! not so true.. duh!!

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  18. Hye Daphne
    Love reading your articles. Keep it up, fren

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  19. Unicorngoddess said "ps: what should i write about for my next article? My deadline coming up!"

    1. 10 worst fashion mistakes in Malaysia (and NOT Hollywood - thank you very much)

    2. Camwhoring and vanity

    3. What NOT to expect when you're married. :P

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  20. I too am having trouble with swearing. It doesnt help that I am such a clumsy clutz...Bull*&ks

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  21. arent you amazed at how mothers can change or make adjustments just for the sake of their children? Well at least you're trying. Good for u n your kiddo....

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  22. 'Its feelin' great and cool'..to be invited to write for Malaysiatoday. I know whats it felt like. I have written some with espnstar...but somehow due to some unseen office sporty political interference over the site there...mine only got through..once! But hey...its not that bad rite. We have to start somewhere. They did send me mails (more and more after that...) asking me if i still interested..but well..a no mail from me..can only meant one thing for them. Yup you're rite. Im off with them.

    Keep on writin' gal. Not to say im too in love with your writings..emm..more than that..i adored it..yup. Writing from the bottom of your heart and spill it out in such simplicity and creativity..what made you so..so wonderful and beautiful...

    Till next time...oo dear unicorngodess. May god bless you all the way all day till time do us all apart..

    Bye2...bye.

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  23. ooo THE iking! now i know u're hosting the breakfast show. and that u're married with 2 kids. woot! pardon my ignorance, i've heard of ur name, but never did bothered to find out. hehe.

    all the best in erm, stepping into the realm of motherhood. teehee. ;)

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  24. will you marry me?

    I will pay u RM 1 million

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  25. I don't think your swearing offends anyone when you do it, mostly because no one understand all the new swear words you make up. At least I don't. What ever happened to just screaming WTF and MF? Come on... I know you want to... It feels good, just like a good shit.

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