B-Buddies

Prewarning:

For those who easily gets nauseous, kindly refrain from reading further; especially if you are eating chocolate mousse or anything gooey and brown in colour.

I am feeling slightly relieved because I am comforted in knowing that I am not too odd or too sick in the head.

I have just found out that another (random) couple are Berak Buddies or B-Buddies for short.

Yes.

When I shit, I am often on my berry, (berry) messaging my B-Buddies to see how they are. Some prefer lighting up a cigarette. Some like reading the papers. Others hum to the sound of Michael Jackson or heaven forbid, ABBA, but I like to relay every minute detail of my waste disposal to my B-Buddies. Naz and Mui are quite often the unfortunate sods who are (kind) enough to put up with all my shit. Sorry. Pun intended. Snort.

Once in awhile, I will receive a bizarre beep on my phone from my B-Buddy, who will share with me, details of the elimination. From the texture, size, colour and pain (if any). My family thinks I am gross. I am just curious.

Speaking of shit, I recall some old conversations I had with some of my B-Buddies on how they escape the embarrassment of shitting in other places besides the comfort of their home.

How many can't shit anywhere but home? I know a guy who would sweat his sorrow self out in the jam, just so he can shit peacefully at home. He will not stop at the resthouse or any gas station - no matter how clean it is! Suffice to say, he doesn't enjoy traveling. What a bore.

And there's that "I need to shit, but what if someone hears me?" Honestly, if you have to go, you got to go right? But I do understand how you feel, especially if you are dressed to the nines at a function and the (pretentious) dingbats are stealing a fag in the loo - so there you are, in your expensive DolceGabbana dress and Jimmy Choo shoes, dying to release thy colonful self.

Here are some tips:

1. Take 5 sheets of toilet paper and let it drop gently on to the toilet bowl water. It should form a little float. You can shit on that without making a sound. Best thing is, water won't splash on your ass, so double bonus! (those who have not shat in days, might need more sheets of toilet paper- but becareful in placing too much, later 'cannot flush...shy only...'

2. If you are using a toilet seat, try sitting at the edge of the toilet bowl just so your shit can slide in and not make an embarrassing noise (and minimal splash too). Only drawback is, SKIDMARKS. Not cool. Especially if there is someone else waiting for her turn. 'shy only...'. Please be considerate and use the water hose to pancut the skidmarks clean. AND, make sure you wipe the toilet seat dry. Its so sickening when you come into a wet toilet. I simply hate it.

I also hate it when men pee on the seats and not wipe them clean; or refuse to put the toilet seat down.

And women, PLEASE bungkus your pads/pantyliner/tampons properly and throw them INTO the rubbish bins. Don't stick them on the wall.
That is NOT arty.

And finally, do flush. It really is not hard to do.

Shit. All this talk of defecation makes me wanna....
Now, where's my berry?