Friday, March 14, 2008

B-Buddies

Prewarning:

For those who easily gets nauseous, kindly refrain from reading further; especially if you are eating chocolate mousse or anything gooey and brown in colour.


I am feeling slightly relieved because I am comforted in knowing that I am not too odd or too sick in the head.

I have just found out that another (random) couple are Berak Buddies or B-Buddies for short.

Yes.

When I shit, I am often on my berry, (berry) messaging my B-Buddies to see how they are. Some prefer lighting up a cigarette. Some like reading the papers. Others hum to the sound of Michael Jackson or heaven forbid, ABBA, but I like to relay every minute detail of my waste disposal to my B-Buddies. Naz and Mui are quite often the unfortunate sods who are (kind) enough to put up with all my shit. Sorry. Pun intended. Snort.

Once in awhile, I will receive a bizarre beep on my phone from my B-Buddy, who will share with me, details of the elimination. From the texture, size, colour and pain (if any). My family thinks I am gross. I am just curious.

Speaking of shit, I recall some old conversations I had with some of my B-Buddies on how they escape the embarrassment of shitting in other places besides the comfort of their home.

How many can't shit anywhere but home? I know a guy who would sweat his sorrow self out in the jam, just so he can shit peacefully at home. He will not stop at the resthouse or any gas station - no matter how clean it is! Suffice to say, he doesn't enjoy traveling. What a bore.

And there's that "I need to shit, but what if someone hears me?" Honestly, if you have to go, you got to go right? But I do understand how you feel, especially if you are dressed to the nines at a function and the (pretentious) dingbats are stealing a fag in the loo - so there you are, in your expensive DolceGabbana dress and Jimmy Choo shoes, dying to release thy colonful self.

Here are some tips:

1. Take 5 sheets of toilet paper and let it drop gently on to the toilet bowl water. It should form a little float. You can shit on that without making a sound. Best thing is, water won't splash on your ass, so double bonus! (those who have not shat in days, might need more sheets of toilet paper- but becareful in placing too much, later 'cannot flush...shy only...'

2. If you are using a toilet seat, try sitting at the edge of the toilet bowl just so your shit can slide in and not make an embarrassing noise (and minimal splash too). Only drawback is, SKIDMARKS. Not cool. Especially if there is someone else waiting for her turn. 'shy only...'. Please be considerate and use the water hose to pancut the skidmarks clean. AND, make sure you wipe the toilet seat dry. Its so sickening when you come into a wet toilet. I simply hate it.

I also hate it when men pee on the seats and not wipe them clean; or refuse to put the toilet seat down.

And women, PLEASE bungkus your pads/pantyliner/tampons properly and throw them INTO the rubbish bins. Don't stick them on the wall.
That is NOT arty.

And finally, do flush. It really is not hard to do.

Shit. All this talk of defecation makes me wanna....
Now, where's my berry?




18 comments:

  1. I always wanted to try this, shit in a pot half covered in soil and then plop a plant on top of it and see if it trives. I'll have a row of pots all ready outside my loo. Preferably the plant should be a veggie so in the end it would be a constant cycle.

    Recycle!

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  2. It's a different story, when you have diarrhoea, you don't care about the sound and smell when people are around. Now that's what I call SOS!

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  3. Oh Daphne you are so hilarious!!!! I think you're just so awesome la seriously!! :)

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  4. uiii..nah..ada gak plak masa ko mau blog2 nie kan??? hahahh....teringin sia mau jupmpa ko..tapi tiada peluang jah...ko sibuk bah...sia pun sibuk kunun...hahahahah..anywhere..i'm one of your fans lah from tamparuli..hahahah.....maybe someday we will meet...xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  5. well, i have a friend (during uni), that we used to tease her to make a thesis on 'kentutlogy' cause she can make a lengthy conversation about kentut... :}

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  6. funny giler...but for me i have no qualms or reservation for b-ing at public loos...so no worries...hahahah

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  7. This is so farnee! I never thot of item no 1 before...hmmm....keep the creativity juice flowing dear!

    - Angeline -

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  8. hahahah i like this entry! very informative. but got smell, how? spray perfume ka? tp combined smell of perfume and the faeces sure pening one.

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  9. My tips are:

    if you know your shit stinks like you have not...in years, just after your shits drop in the toilet bowl, immediately flush. the smell won't linger in the air!

    for public/sharing toilet users, remember to spread layers of toilet paper/tissue on the seat before you sit down. you never know how it is cleaned. the cleaners might have just wipe the seat using the same mop they use to clean the floor!!! it happens in some places & i have witnessed it. better beware girls!!!.

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  10. hmmm....yes I have qualms too about doing big business in just any public toilet! But If I must, I'll take longer time cleaning the bowl and floor before I settle in. And if I'm on the road it's, "find the nearest hotels" and pop into their nicely spacious, airy and perfumed loo...;-)

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  11. i hv one more tip:

    make sure your bontot/peha can cover the whole toilet seat area masa u duduk berak..that one haa can avoid the bau come out...then flush flush flush..bau gone, then baru basuh/lap berak...

    too bad la if you have too skinny ass...hohoho!

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  12. omg.. i went and took a dump rite after reading that entry.. :D

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  13. it some kind of twisted sick kind of way, this post got me turned on haha

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  14. i guess a way to stop the stink from permeating the whole room is to cover the toilet with the lid when you flush.... :) But if semua tak masuk...then too bad la for the nx person who walks into the loo...it'll be a surprising find alrite!

    Talking about Msian toilets..at least got water pipes/bidet in the toilet k?

    Try going to a toilet in an orang putih's country...susah, i tell u. No water at all! I dont understand how they can clean their a*** with just toilet paper...

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  15. OMG...this post is hillarious!!! You've got me addicted to your write up! Keep em comin'!

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  16. Ha ha ha. Daphne, thanks for the tips! :)

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  17. I totally agree with #1, been practicing that for years hehehahaha

    for the smell, well.. i've been carrying small air freshener in my purse everywhere i go! spritz spritz my friend.. walaa! nice summery smell heheheh

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