Sunday, December 23, 2007

I'm having an Affair

I sit in front of my computer at 4 o'clock in the morning, breast engorged and dead tired but unable to sleep. My sleeping pattern has matched that of my 3 week plus daughter. Its amazing how I awake (quietly) just in time for a pee and a half, before she starts whimpering for her wee hour feed.

Remember my previous post where I mentioned the pain of breastfeeding and how Mr Formula Milk was silently flirting with me at the sidelines?

When I brought Isobel home from the hospital, she had a slight case of jaundice which (naturally) worried the shit out of me. From jaundice, came Colic and then I passed her the viral flu -- so my first 2 weeks with my girl was just depressing if not worrisome. I had already planned to do Total Breastfeeding, at least for the first 6 months - and I was doing just that. As painful as it was, my only motivation (besides the comments left on my blog), was when I showed up at her doctor's clinic and was given the 'thumbs up' for continuing breastfeeding as it is "the best at giving my daughter the antibodies she needs to build up her immune system".

But then, the pain became unbearable; my feeding time became somewhat resentful as the mother-baby bond disappeared and I felt the relationship was almost parasitible (if such a word exist).

So yes, Mr Formula Milk and I sort of flirted with each other, and I was afraid to tell other Total Breastfeeding mothers out there that I had been checking him out - finding out more about his profile and learning about the possibilities on doing BOTH the one I vowed to be with (at least for the first 6 months), and the one who winked at me when I was crying silently in pain at 3 o'clock in the morning.

I am sorry to those who told me to stick to just breastfeeding. I was seduced - and it happened so quickly - only because I allowed it to happen. Yes. I was selfish, in pain and the alternative made me so, so happy.

At least for awhile.

You see. Now, I just want to give Isobel formula milk. I have given up on breastfeeding -the pain, the now and then fever it gives me and the depression that hits me when thoughts of smacking her runs in my thoughts when I curl my toes up in mortifying torture as she sucks greedily on my nipples.

I want to stop the affair I am having with Mr Formula Milk. Some say you can mix business with pleasure; delegate duties -- but not for me. You can't have your cake and eat it too.

So, I surfed the net and found ways to suppress lactating. Its an equally painful process slowing down milk production but it can be done. I will just have to be patient.

So, here I am. Blogging. Trying to keep my mind off things.

I have just given Isobel a bottle of milk and put a hot flannel on my tits to reduce the engorgement. There are pills the doctor can prescribe, but we'll opt the natural way first.

I found one particular remedy rather amusing -using cabbage leaves inserted in your bra till it wilts. I have yet to try this, but will resort to it if the sage tea and vitamin B6 does not work.

I need to end the affair. Its one or the other. And I've chosen Mr Formula Milk. I'm sorry tits. It was good while it lasted. Thank you for giving Isobel her colostrum to make her a wee bit stronger (she has an ass of a kick you know?).

Speaking of tits, for those who plan to go for a breast enhancement, perhaps you should wait. Once upon a time, I jokingly told friends that once I have enough money and guts to go ahead with a bust enhancement, I am going to go from a B to a D. Trying on dresses with my D size engorged breast was not that pretty after all. Plus, having bigger tits actually makes you look fatter and shorter. Trust me.


  1. It's ok Daphne. At the end of the day,this is your choice and you want to be happy a mother. I totally understand what you're going through. Been there, done that. I know it's not an easy task though I fully breastfed my daughter for freakin 14 months OMG!(no Mr Seducer). To be honest to you, this is only the early days. Perhaps you hang in there about 6 to 8 weeks??? and it might be getting better?? Ask for help from your mother, experienced nurse or doctor. Breastfeeding is a skill which has to be learned and practised. I'm sure you know the pro's and con's of your Mr.Seducer which expains in the internet or books. About the cabbage leaf thing,I tried lettuce leaf instead as recommended by a friend because lettuce leaf is more supple than the hard cabbage leaf which means it's easier to tuck behind the shirt and surround the nipple. It worked for me as I had a very sore nipple. By all means, if breastfeeding is not for you, the option is to give her formula milk from a bottle. Don't beat yourself up about not breastfeeding if,for whatever reasons, it's not right for you. Feeds will still be a lovely time and, as a father, bottlefeeding will give you a chance to be even more involved with your baby. After all, you are the expert on your baby! Take care, be kind to yourself, rest as much as you can, lastly I want you to be a happy mummy. Taka Care :)

  2. Daphne,

    Dun worry, as a father to 1 year old daugther, i find it normal to have this kind of complication during your first baby. As long as you try your best for both you and Isobel, i think you should be forgiven :) I assume your problem is only due to the pain of breastfeeding, not because of less breast milk etc (my wife had this issue now). You know what, my daughter also had jaundice during the first week when she was born.'s very rare cases to see baby girl having jaundice, but God willing due to our jaundice-oriented DNA we need to accept that.

    On the D from B, i have no comment :P. Well..take it positively, at least you got the natural way of enhancement, perhaps it will help you some day ;)

  3. Sorry, not only jaundice, but G6PD (which very rare happens to baby girl)

  4. Hi Daphne,

    Reading your blog and about your 'affair' reminds me of my experience with breast feeding. Yeah, it was painful. The confinement lady and mid wife didn't help much either. It wasn't that my supply of milk was low back then, but I find it so hard for little Cayden to suck, let alone to have his little stomach filled. It was torturing. He appeared hungry most of the time and there I was, unable to help him latch on properly. The feeling of helplessness and anger slowly took the better of me. I began expressing - full time. The more I pumped, the lesser the supply became. It all lasted for a good 3 months.

    Cayden will be 10 months old tomorrow and he is liking his formula. I cannot be any happier. I know the guilt is there but now that my boy is slightly bigger, all I can say is that being a mother is not about how long or how well you breast feed your baby. It's way more than that. My mother never breast fed any of her 3 children and we all still think that she's the best.

    Take care and best wishes to you and little Isobel. Merry Christmas & A Happy New Year.


    P/S: Cabbage leaves helps and remember to keep them in your fridge.

  5. Hey Daphne.

    Just wanna wish you Merry Christmas. Have a great holiday with your family and loved ones ya!

  6. Had jaundice when I was born according to mom : P At least Isobel can balik rumah...I had to stay back in hospital. Well reading your "affair" reminded me that I am raised 100% by Mr. Formula Milk XD I am healthy but it wasn't the case back then. I had skin allergies if I gulp in some yoghurt. As I grow older, its a torcher to eat crabs and lobster =.= can you imagine all the huge "benuas" aka rashes on my WHOLE body? Then now (yes now and I am 21 going on 22) I have these sudden allergies which I don't even know what is the cause! One morning I could find all the thick thick "benuas" raising on my skin...Thank god I am not allergic to egg if not I can just jump down from Penang bridge into the sea.

    Nevertheless, I am strong and healthy to go through NS, not get sick if I eat stale food (I didn't realise it went bad >.< how blur!) and no gastric no matter how much lemon juice I gulp in a day.

    So its your call.

    Probably u could try extracting the milk in an express manner as mentioned by june. I remember my home science teacher told me you can do that and store the milk in fridge.

    Mothers have to get all the milk out cuz it might create lumps in their breast at their later stage of life. I am not sure how true is that tho.

  7. Hi Pon,

    I understand what you mean - totally! I know some mothers would hate me for not continuing breast feed my baby, but sometimes situation just didnt allow us to continue. Nevertheless, thumbs up to those mothers who managed to withstand the 'challenges' of breastfeeding their babies :-)

    I relate so well to the crying of a newborn (on ungodly hours mind you..) just when you about to sleep, I put up with my baby colicky hours and at times, in between sleep deprivation and not knowing what to do when she keeps crying, I feel like breaking down too..but it really helps if you have people helping you with the baby. So in the end, I sent my baby to the nanny so I can recover properly from my C-Sect. I cried at first, thinking how cruel of me 'sending' my baby away - but sometimes we just have to do what is best for us. At least baby is in the good hand of a professional nanny - who already had 2 grown up sons.

    The experience we gained from our firstborn will be valuable for us Pon. It will come in handy in future. It taught us to be patient (more than ever), true perseverance and it sharpens our decision making skill too (we need to decide whats best for mum & baby rite??)..

    So dont feel bad if you need to choose Mr Formula. Just make sure you feed her accordingly and get the right type of milk. Colic babies need special type of milk. My baby is drinking Similac LF now due to her colic. Its by Abbott. Some babies cant take cow milk, or those with added iron. Some babies get rashes due to the heatiness caused by both (cow milk & added iron). Observe your baby carefully, if in doubt ask your doctor and do your research (I did mine over the internet). Sometimes, doctor's answer can be vague, so I combined it with my experience (with the baby) and sources I go from the internet. It really helps!

    So, do what is right for you and baby. Afterall, its your body, your experience, your baby and no one else know it darn well but yourself :-)

    Take care and take it easy :-)..although I know its impossible at times heheheh...


  8. Hi Daphne.. & Isobel


  9. daohne... normal for 1 st baby.. happen to me too... affair with mr formula... but I kept going BF ... try to apply hot towel on your breast.. or maybe massage them?

    BTW merry Christmas

  10. now u can have affair with Mr.Dunhill some more.. since u stop BF. I did...

    Merry Xmas

  11. what is best...anything that suits your lifestyle...Isobel won't hate you for giving her cow's milk...when she grows up and is wiser...tell her that breastfeeding hurts like shit..if her hubby thinks it's a joke..PUNCH HIM!!!...uurgh...i am still breastfeeding and she won't even take a bottle up till now..sooo...i can't be alone even for 15 minutes....

  12. Hi Daphne. Hm, don't remember breastfeeding was painful. In fact i loved it so much. But, it lasted for only 2 weeks tho. Small breast and my baby didn't like it so much.

    Anyway, enjoyed your blog so much. U have a funny way in explaining things. Love it! Kiss Isobel for me. Give her two. One is from Amanda. ;)

  13. hai daphne


    happy new year and may god bless you and your family..

    kiss kiss to Isobel

  14. Yes, i tried the cabbage leaves. It helps will it is chilled from the fridge!

  15. breast feeding is good for you and the baby.
    its natural goodness.
    formula milk is not good.
    but if you dont want, its up to you.

    my theory is that if baby dont get natural milk then they "might" grow up hungry for natural milk and they go to prostitute with breasts milk like in that film Shoot Em Up where Monica Belluci plays such a role.

    yes you can argue that i am a man and i dont know the pain. yes, true, but i do have breasts too... man breasts. so there.

    courtesy of all natural milk campaign.

  16. You know, when i was spending my time playing with Amanda last nite, then only i remember about the pain you were talking about. Hahaha...lambat pick-up betul! Anyway, since i had the same problem last time, here's some sharing on what i did. Always massage it (utk keluarkan susu). Pump also helps. And u may want to rub it with kain (dip in warm water - actually i used hot water). Mom said if i just let it like that, it will "bernanah". She said that through experience - with my eldest brother. So, yeah, i was so scared. Didnt care how painful it was to massage it, i wont let it bernanah. mom....

  17. Hi Daph & lil Isobel,
    Merry christmas to you all.

    on breast feeding issue, i hardly can stand it for 3 wks for all 4 babies. they all grow on formula milk. i have a nephew who was breastfed till he was about five yrs old. imagine, after cycling outside, he runs to his mom for the tits, hahaha, cute kan. now he is in 9 & physically, overweight & still have skin problems. academically, just o.k, but still top ten lister. but he has problems with recognising letters, e.g. d & b, p & q. However, he's very talented in arts, like drawing cartoons. so, it is up to you to decide. if you opt for formula milk, my advise is, go for the one rich in DHA & SA good for the brain development. i used to stand in the s/market ailse to compare brands, esp. the contents. My 2nd child was on a brand that emphasis more of this content & i find that he's an alert & smart boy. so sorry for the other two for not putting them on it cos they had hard stool, so i choose the probiotoc one....

    A yr after having my 1st baby, ai was alerted by a small lump in my left breast & when i go for check up, it was formed by harden breast. it was nothing. after having my 4th baby, i had this lady to massage my whole body & at the same time to promote milk supply but still doesn't help. i think this problem runs in the family cos all my sisters have the same problem. i do envy those who are able to fully breast feed.

  18. Hi Daphne, hope you’re doing well..

    Just to share about breast feeding come-out..
    I have 6 siblings in the family.. Our mom breast feed us until she founds out that she’s pregnant again.. In Islam we are advice to breast feed our baby up to 2 y.o. So between 6 of us only 2 manage to get up to 2 y.o.. (fyi our gap is approx. 2 yrs).. So the results are the 2 of them have really good in academic, health, socials and others. Overall they are very all rounder. They hardly sick but if they do they will recover very fast.

    Bottom line you have tried your best.. Congratulations because you managed to give your daughter the colostrums (also known as beestings or first milk) that has high concentrations of nutrients and antibodies.

    Altough its very painfull but it have many benefits for the baby and the mother which is very ‘sayang’ to loose it. You can read at for more informations. Furthermore you can save your money on more other interesting things. Unless you are rich enough *wink*..

    If others can do why you can’t..! Be proud of yourself.. You can do it for at least 6 month until the baby can eat, you won’t regret you’ll get use to it.. Take care dear ;-)

  19. oooOOOoooo.. the pain of breastfeeding. The fevers. The pain from the nipple that stabs you right to the shoulder blades. The suckling that causes your nerves to feel like they've been pulled in all different directions. The toe curling. The teeth gritting. I so get it why you were seduced.

    As for me, I had no choice, my commando a.k.a. mom and the lil 'un totally wont take no for an answer. The lil one vomitted every time formula was given to him. So, what happened was, I conquered the Everest. I meant breastfeeding. Although the former does sound easier and more appealing than the latter. hahaha..

    In the end, it was 2 years on the tits for my 1st born.

    As for the 2nd one who is only 2 months old tomorrow, this mommy has become an expert and the pain was considerably less. :D

    Anyways, forget about those who judge you for your choices.. the important thing is, Isobel is loved and fed. :D

    Happy Holidays to you and your family.


  20. At least you tried your best to BF before turning to Mr FM. I know how painful it is to BF your newborn, especially if she's your firstborn. nipple cracks, the engorgement..ohh been there done that already but trust this, as time goes by when you had another child it'll become plain easy to BF again. Just don't let this experience scares you again.

    Have a nice day!

  21. watched the breakfast show the other day when naz pronounced his engagement with sheahnee. was surprised but it seeped in before long. just wondering if both of them blogs?

  22. Happy New Year. Hope you had a gr8 celebration last nite with your loves ones & may this year bring gr8 memories n happiness

  23. hi daphne..i have the similar problem of all bf difficulties (incl. viral flu, engorged breast, etc) and easily give up only after i went back to alyna since she is given just 2mnths of breastfeed, have admitted many times due to bronchitis, fever, etc along her 2yrs development. I totally regret of giving up bf, and so determined to have it exclusive for the second one. Question is second one is still not exist..huhu

  24. I'm proud of you that you were strong enough to go with a decision especially in times of uncertainty with the world of moms and Doctors watching over you.

    If it's any consolation, I know a group of purely breastfed babies up to 2.5yrs old who turned out weaker than my Tee (who was only breastfed for 6 mths and even then, half....only since I had no milk). These babies get sick a whole lot more than my really, who's to say? It really depends, I think...on so many things! Not just the isolated act of breastfeeding.

    You go, girl! Have a great year ahead!

  25. An explicit ( hehe ) affair that working moms find it hard to resist.

    Happy New Year & God Bless!

    p/s My mom made me put on that cabbage leaves too. She said, lucky la you all these days, cabbage leaves from the fridge some more. Extra cool. hehehe... but later i switched to the cool pad la. Membazir la banyak2 sweaty kobis - sapa mau makan? I only have one small tortoise. LOL!!!

  26. For a mother who have just given birth not long ago, you have a wonderful body shape. I saw the breakfast show this morning. :)

    Btw, happy new year to you and your family!

  27. Wohoo! Just came across your blog today Daphne!

    Goodluck with motherhood! :)

  28. Daphne Hi!!

    My breast feeding story is similar to yours. HEre's my say to all this dilemma and I am a living example for someone who couldn't breastfeed her two kids.
    The most important thing is the bond between the mother and the child. When you feed her, create that bond and imagine that you are actually feeding her with your own milk. Do this till she's 6 for all that matters. It's that quiet time accompanied with the carressing and the whispering that make the difference. I couldn't breastfeed my kids because the nipples bleed everytime. It was the most painful time of my life. I cried not because of the pain but due to my inability to feed my own child, plus the piercing pain of course. Not all mothers experience this. Some don't experience any pain at all. Please don't feel bad Daphne. The most important thing is to have a happy mental state in order for you to bond with your baby.

    My kids grew up fine and healthy. They, thank god, came up top of their school, both of them. They are very attached to me eventhough they were only breastfed(with much pain and blood)for only two weeks.

    The best thing that happened to me was when two paediatricians commented how well behaved my kids were and said "you must have breastfed them throughout the whole course!." And that was the best feeling as a non breastfeeding mother. Remember Daphne it takes more than just your milk to raise your kids. Nurture vs nature, I go for nurture anytime of the day.

    Take care!

    Ps: I am a big fan of yours!

  29. hai, congratulations on ur newborn, cute li'l is painful to breastfeed especialy if u r a firts time mom...perhaps u might want to wear a nipple protector while breastfeed until the nipple healed and as for breast engorgement, you might want to empty ur breast frequently (by expressing ur milk with breastpump)...all the best and take care...more tips at my blog

  30. Hi,
    Try checking the baby's way of latching to the nipple. Sometimes incorrect latching can cause the baby not getting enough milk out.

    Anyways, u've done great. BF if a continuous learning process, even for mothers who've done it more than a year (like me :D). But the rewards are really worth it. Dont give up ok!