I'm having an Affair

I sit in front of my computer at 4 o'clock in the morning, breast engorged and dead tired but unable to sleep. My sleeping pattern has matched that of my 3 week plus daughter. Its amazing how I awake (quietly) just in time for a pee and a half, before she starts whimpering for her wee hour feed.

Remember my previous post where I mentioned the pain of breastfeeding and how Mr Formula Milk was silently flirting with me at the sidelines?

When I brought Isobel home from the hospital, she had a slight case of jaundice which (naturally) worried the shit out of me. From jaundice, came Colic and then I passed her the viral flu -- so my first 2 weeks with my girl was just depressing if not worrisome. I had already planned to do Total Breastfeeding, at least for the first 6 months - and I was doing just that. As painful as it was, my only motivation (besides the comments left on my blog), was when I showed up at her doctor's clinic and was given the 'thumbs up' for continuing breastfeeding as it is "the best at giving my daughter the antibodies she needs to build up her immune system".

But then, the pain became unbearable; my feeding time became somewhat resentful as the mother-baby bond disappeared and I felt the relationship was almost parasitible (if such a word exist).

So yes, Mr Formula Milk and I sort of flirted with each other, and I was afraid to tell other Total Breastfeeding mothers out there that I had been checking him out - finding out more about his profile and learning about the possibilities on doing BOTH the one I vowed to be with (at least for the first 6 months), and the one who winked at me when I was crying silently in pain at 3 o'clock in the morning.

I am sorry to those who told me to stick to just breastfeeding. I was seduced - and it happened so quickly - only because I allowed it to happen. Yes. I was selfish, in pain and the alternative made me so, so happy.

At least for awhile.

You see. Now, I just want to give Isobel formula milk. I have given up on breastfeeding -the pain, the now and then fever it gives me and the depression that hits me when thoughts of smacking her runs in my thoughts when I curl my toes up in mortifying torture as she sucks greedily on my nipples.

I want to stop the affair I am having with Mr Formula Milk. Some say you can mix business with pleasure; delegate duties -- but not for me. You can't have your cake and eat it too.

So, I surfed the net and found ways to suppress lactating. Its an equally painful process slowing down milk production but it can be done. I will just have to be patient.

So, here I am. Blogging. Trying to keep my mind off things.

I have just given Isobel a bottle of milk and put a hot flannel on my tits to reduce the engorgement. There are pills the doctor can prescribe, but we'll opt the natural way first.

I found one particular remedy rather amusing -using cabbage leaves inserted in your bra till it wilts. I have yet to try this, but will resort to it if the sage tea and vitamin B6 does not work.

I need to end the affair. Its one or the other. And I've chosen Mr Formula Milk. I'm sorry tits. It was good while it lasted. Thank you for giving Isobel her colostrum to make her a wee bit stronger (she has an ass of a kick you know?).

Speaking of tits, for those who plan to go for a breast enhancement, perhaps you should wait. Once upon a time, I jokingly told friends that once I have enough money and guts to go ahead with a bust enhancement, I am going to go from a B to a D. Trying on dresses with my D size engorged breast was not that pretty after all. Plus, having bigger tits actually makes you look fatter and shorter. Trust me.