Saturday, June 17, 2006

Love thy brother

As I watched him drive my car away, I understood exactly how my mother felt.

And I said I was ready to be a mommy?

It is tough. Especially when the person you are mothering is just a year younger and resembles you closely.

I dedicate this entry to all parents out there. Quite apt since Father’s Day is tomorrow.

When I decided to allow him to come and stay with me here in KL, I was warned. But I always believe in giving people a second chance and so, I managed to persuade mom and dad to give ‘us’ a 3-month stint together. It has been almost 3 months now. And I have to be honest, my confidence is wavering.

I spoke to Anis on my drive home from Ain’s do and as I was ‘cheerfully’ briefing her on my domestic ‘complaint’, I realized that I was scared. I was in fear. I didn’t like what I felt, but yes, I feared my parents were right, and that my judgment was wrong.

The strange thing is, the biggest fear was for my brother and the mere thought of losing him left a painful wretch in my heart and I sit alone at this lovely home of mine, crying cause I really don’t know what else to do. And for the first time in a long time, I feel so very alone and wish for someone to be close to me, to rub my tummy and wipe my tears away and think for me. =(

*poops*

I remember when we were little, he gave me a green apple with a bright, silver star stuck on it for my birthday. And though I don’t like green apples and that particular apple was already rotten, I ate it anyway and smiled at him. He smiled back with a toothless smile.

I remember him screening my calls when I was in high school and how he would give me his silent nod of approval or a slight frown with my choices of dates.

I remember when we used to play hide and seek near the beautiful park (I later found out it was a graveyard near the church) and I found him sleeping near a grey wall (I later found out it was an old tombstone) cause I got carried away looking for ‘conkers’ instead of him.

I remember when I defended him from my father.

I remember smoking with him in his room, cause he hates seeing women smoke – and he stopped for me when I said *coughingly* “If you can smoke, so can I!”

I remember getting a call from home while studying in Penang, “come home..something happened to your brother”

I remember praying for him and crying in relief when he became better.

I remember the day I saw him from the airport and when I showed him his room.

And now I see him drive my car away.

I wanted to sit down with him and give him my two cents worth. I planned to be assertive, to take away the keys and his pocket money and say “No.” I planned on spending some quality time with my brother who has left me alone (again) at home and has only left me with worries, sadness and unsaid prayers.

I had the initial courage as I stepped out from Anis’ car, but as soon as I saw his boyish charm, took a whiff at his perfume and looked at him pointing to his shirt that I had bought for him in Shanghai (Love thy Brother), I smiled, asked where he was going and told him to “check the kerang (that he was holding)…see if busuk ..nanti sakit perut”. I stood near the door, told him I would lock up..told him not to drink too much and waved goodbye to him. I stayed there till I could no longer see my car or him, and breathed a heavy sigh.

I’m worried and its not about me.

Now I understand mum and dad—and I apologize for all the hell I gave the both of you.

1 comment:

  1. I remember smoking with him in his room, cause he hates seeing women smoke – and he stopped for me when I said *coughingly* “If you can smoke, so can I!”

    this is so so sweet :)

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