Monday, May 1, 2006

In Between



I was safe in the middle

Where nothing could go wrong

But you came along and now you're Changing me,

I can no longer be...In between

Hannah Tan, In Between*

"Great… just great"

I thought when I got the theme for this month's column. I'm supposed to write an article on relationships without whining or bitching? Are you kidding me?

And it has to be an article of substance, "not just a platform to complain, but have a solution" to it. Thanks a bunch, editor!I handed in this article late because it took me quite a while to come up with the right angle. I wanted to write something really smart and witty. In the end, I decided to write just based on personal experience.

Boy, was it tough writing this. For someone who owns books like "How to Mend a Broken Heart" and "How to Spot a Bastard", I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry.

As you can probably tell from my intro, I've loved and I've lost. Big time. I thought he was the one but how wrong I was. On paper, it'd be easy to say, "Good riddance" considering the circumstances. But in real life, it's so much harder. Someone new has come into my life, and I'm in love again. Or maybe I'm just on the rebound. I'm not sure.

I'd been warned about love on the rebound. Moving onto a new relationship so soon after a break-up is a cardinal sin in many love bibles. Many of my friends warned me against it. But I jumped into a new relationship pretty soon after I broke up with my (now) ex-boyfriend for doing the horizontal bop with a (now) former good friend of mine.

My self-esteem plummeted when I found out about the betrayal. Not used to feeling miserable, I decided to go out and have fun.

I met him in an industry event and we hit it off right away. He made me feel lovable, worthy and sexy. He cast away the scowl on my face and made me laugh again. It felt so good...until the clouds of doubt started to fill my head.

What if he leaves me one day? Isn't this too good to be true? What if I'm really just on the rebound and am using him to just fill up the loneliness?

I suddenly felt incredibly uncertain and backed away. It was tough to do that because I really, really liked him. But I knew I couldn't handle another heart break, and so I decided we'd be "just friends".

I know, wanting to be "just friends" drives guys crazy because they hate that. But I feel bad about it too. In fact, I feel pretty miserable, even more so than when I caught my then-boyfriend cheating with my then-good friend. I guess I must really like this new guy. But you know what? I'm gonna stick to playing it safe for now. Who knows what might happen later. Time will tell.

As for now, I have to be content with being "in between".

My advice for you poor guys out there who are dating a rebounder like me: Be aware of the risks. We might simply move on once our hearts have healed. And then it'd be your heart that'll be torn to shreds. But if you think you can handle the risk, go for it and bless your heart!

* From Hannah's upcoming album, Crossing Bridges.

Better left in his hands, under his indepth knowledge and wisdom...thank you!

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